Connecting to Motherhood

Being pregnant has its ups and downs and it’s not always magical and beautiful. Sometimes it’s messy and that’s ok too. This is Shelby’s story that she bravely share about how motherhood to her third was not all that she expected it to be.

“Today marks 39 weeks.

I've been keeping pretty quiet about how my pregnancy has been going. When asked, I simply say "it's been my toughest, for sure," but that doesn't even really cover it.

From early on, I was overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and depression. At work, I was constantly watching over my shoulder. At home, I would cry myself to sleep. I hid my body in baggy clothes and couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and I dreaded the appearance of the beloved "baby bump."

We kept the pregnancy a secret for several months, under the guise of various excuses. But really, I felt shame and didn't want anyone to know.

Anyone who's heard me talk about pregnancy, knows that I'm a huge geek about the birthing process. In my heart, being pregnant and giving birth is one of the most natural and spiritual experiences. I really believe it is one of the experiences where a person can come closest to god. But in the early months of my pregnancy, I found myself feeling that this was true for everyone else. I knew something was wrong with me, but I was in denial. If only I could get to "x" point, I would feel the power again.

Several weeks into my second trimester, on a date night with Jonny, I opened up about my feelings. He was flabbergasted--astonished that I hadn't said anything prior. He immediately demanded that I tell my Dr at my next appointment, and if I didn't, he would.

I've always been very open and matter-of-fact about my mental health. But this was very different. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was ashamed, I felt guilty. It was a really tough conversation for me to initiate with my Dr. Thankfully I did and she put me on a low-dose script, that, when I looked up later, was commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety, and body-dysmorphia. The depression went first, the anxiety took several weeks, and the body-dysmorphia still haunts me. Of course, some days are better than others.

With all this emotional turmoil in this pregnancy (and resultant emotional exhaustion), I longed to find my soul connection to the child-bearing goddess I knew I had deep down. I was drawn to images of Mother Gaia and other pagan fertility images and found my solution.

For me, my maternity shoot was more than a fun, pseudo-boudoir romp in the woods. They were the key to finding myself in a pregnancy that felt more like a wild ride that I was about to fall off of any moment.

I tell you all this for two reasons:
1. It's my truth. And it's important for me to put my truth into the universe.
2. I've never felt more alone than I have in the last 9months. Just maybe putting my truth out into the universe helps someone else experiencing a similar truth feel less alone.”