My boudoir Experience
Still Seeing The Heavy Girl In The Mirror: Elle’s Personal Boudoir Story
All I wanted after having kids was to get my body back. I wanted to feel good again, fit in my skinny jeans without a muffin top, and have the energy to keep up with my children. My whole goal as a parent was to be able to keep up with them for adventures and a life full of spontaneity and excitement. The first 9 years of being a mom did not go as planned.
With my first child I put on about 50 pounds. I ate whatever I wanted, I was supposed to feed two right? I just didn’t know better as a young mom with little direction and support. When I had my first baby I was still in college, stressed out trying to finish my externship with a local clinic, and be a mom of an infant all at the same time. It was overwhelming and my food choices showed that. My life was toxic and my decisions did not make things any better.
When my son was about 3 years old I FINALLY started to get my weight back down. I had met my now husband, my circumstances drastically changed, I was working out and feeling really good again; not where I wanted to be but getting there for sure. Then, I found out I was pregnant….. All this work and now it was going to go back down the drain. I dreaded the idea of being pregnant and losing my body all over again. We sadly, but with a morbid sense of relief, miscarried that pregnancy and shortly after got married.
That part was even harder. Picking out wedding dresses when I wasn’t happy with my body. I felt puffy and not the slender version of myself that I always pictured walking down the aisle. With all the added pressure I was putting on myself planning a wedding and trying to be healthy I GAINED weight and barely could clip the closure of my beautiful lace gown. I was devastated and to this day have a difficult time looking back at my wedding photos because all I see is the bride that didn’t feel beautiful on her wedding day.
Soon after getting married I got pregnant with our daughter. This pregnancy went much better than the first. I had lots of support both at home and with my care team. I did better with my eating and had more consistency in life. I didn’t gain more than 30 pounds with her and was SO relieved. However, when I got back to work the stress began to take over and the weight just didn’t come off. I worked hard to eat right, find the best eating patterns for me, I was working out 3 days a week and NOTHING was working.
When out daughter turned 4 I was done….I didn’t know what else to do. Food was a crutch, my workouts stalled as we had moved away from my favorite yoga studio, and I just gave up. My husband and I were at a wedding show and I met the team that changed my life. I met my herbalist.
I chose to invest in myself, my health, and my family. I wanted to be more present. I did not want my appearance and weight to take over what I could or couldn’t do in my life. It was important to me to get back on track and get things under control forever. Over the next year food became fuel, my energy levels came back, my anxiety disappeared, and I felt like myself again. The best part…..I lost 35 pounds! The only thing that lingered was what I saw in the mirror. It didn’t matter in my head that I had lost this weight, I still saw the heavy version of myself when I saw my reflection even though my old clothes literally were falling off my body.
In January, part way through this transformation, I met a new photographer friend. She was a boudoir photographer and we just hit it off as friends and business professionals. At a point I mentioned to her that I would love to have a specific image for my bedroom wall to celebrate the efforts that I had put forth to get my body back. She jumped at the opportunity to get me in front of the camera and I couldn’t have been more grateful.
The day came for my session and I just stood there in my cute little body suit in the changing room and the panic set in…..
“what if I look awful in my pictures? What if I still see my heavy self? What if I don’t like the way I look afterall?”
My heart sank into my gut and I started to shake but I wanted to face my fear and go for it anyway. I stepped out of the room and her jaw dropped. “DANG girl! Look at you!!!” That breath I had been holding was quickly exhaled and I looked in the mirror to realize that I really had transformed.
We worked through the session, and I do say work because it is a total WORKOUT. I had so much fun and enjoyed the experience. We finished up, I changed, and we started to go through my images. Not even edited yet and I was loving them all. Then the image came up that changed my self-perception forever….
I had taken a call from my husband to check in and I saw the photo. I instantly stopped talking and my eyes swelled with tears. Was that me?? I couldn’t believe the image that I saw on the screen. This beautiful, sexy woman in this fantastic orange body suit….I didn’t believe my own eyes. It was incredible. I was incredible for the first time in my own mind in a long time. I walked away with a renewed sense of confidence. I felt so good in my own skin and I finally started to see the person that was actually looking back at me in the mirror. The heavy girl who hated her wedding photos was no longer in the image but this amazing woman who achieved her goal and looked incredible was standing in her place.
Having boudoir images done let me step in the shoes of my clients, getting to see the transformation they all get to experience when they work with me. It made me appreciate my job even more because I get to bring to light how beautiful every woman is no matter their size, age, or perception of themselves. They get to see what the rest of the world sees; an incredible, worthy and beautiful version of themselves.
images done by friend and follow photographer Ayla